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Plus he never gave me an indication to think he was gay either. Top 10 reasons straight guys have sex with gay men. As we drove from the gym in his black pickup truck, I remember him telling me that he thought my arm tattoo was cool and how he was thinking of getting something for himself. It seemed like we were at that restaurant for hours — to the point that I had to call my wife and let her know I was going to be late getting back home because I was hanging with my gym buddy.

He told me that was born in St. Pete and was a mechanic for an airline.

I shared with some things to — about my wife and two boys. Plus there was football. At some point, I remember him telling me that he had broken up with someone about six months earlier. As I listened carefully, it became clear to me that his ex was a guy that he met at AA. Looking back, I can remember feeling a bit shocked that Billy was gay. Like I said, he just never game me that impression — ever. And he never once made me feel like he was looking for something. Later that night when I got home and went to bed, my wife and I made love.

I can remember kissing her and thinking of him when my eyes were closed. My wife must have figured out something was off because she asked if I was OK. I told her that it had been a long day and that I probably just needed to rest.

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Just having those thoughts about Billy kind of bothered me for the next several days. And meeting him at the gym was even more difficult. That was over 10 months ago. And my attraction to him goes beyond just his physique. Billy makes me laugh and is super funny. I just feel like I can let my guard down around him. Straight guy dreams about gay men. A guy he apparently met online. I remember how jealous I felt and just having those feelings freaked me out. All of this just sucks. I mean I know that I am into women. I fell so hard for Jay.

I knew he was gay, but so was I, and I liked him, so I guess the whole gay thing was pretty flexible, right? I knew his sexuality wouldn't simply bend to my will, but I wondered if he was more fluid than he let on. After a week of intense infatuation, which felt entirely reciprocated to me, Jay retuned to Melbourne.

I pined. I wrote bad poetry on a legal pad I kept by the milk crates that held up my mattress. All of the sadness I felt from my breakup, all of the longing I had for sex and love and a relationship, I poured into someone who was completely unavailable to me. Now, had it ended there, I would have walked away unscathed. Among my friends, sexuality was playful and permissive — very much an anything goes mentality — but my friends started to get a little weirded out.

Leading up to the one-week vacation to see him, I was frothing with excitement.

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Sharing his bed. I steamrolled him. I was persistent.

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Things went south pretty much straight away. I waited up for him, but eventually it got so late I went to bed. His sheets were bright white and felt expensive. Hours later, I heard the front door ease open. Like a thief, he crept into the room, slipping gingerly in beside me.

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We both lay there, him pretending to be asleep, me pretending like it hadn't started to dawn on me how fundamentally ridiculous this all was. Jay was up early, all terrified smiles as he tripped over himself to get out the front door. A muscle in his jaw tensed. At the end of the week, we hugged goodbye.

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We never spoke again. Why gay men?

We often don't allow ourselves to fully see another human.

Well, I have a few theories. As a queer person with a strong — perhaps too strong — imagination, negotiating desire was complicated. I could talk myself into pretty much anything, including the likelihood of a man who was attracted to other men falling for me.